Liar liar pigs on fire

I woke up the next day, my head heavy with dreams which I cannot describe without evoking strong comments from my readers. Did I say Harsha would call him the next day, the day after next? Well I exaggerated a bit, as a matter of fact, Harsha did not call me the succeeding week nor the week after that. During the second day of the third week, this is what happened:

"Nagesh...... I called you 3 times since morning, tell me whether you can send the report" My manager was on the phone sounding frustrated and resigned. He hung up the phone a moment later and turned to me with an expression which meant.... you have to do a job which you may.....not may..... will not like.
"Nrupesh, I have a job for you. You have to lie. You have to call this company up and ask for a report on "Industry Insight - Pig farming in India" and talk to them as if you are the owner of a pig farm in Hyderabad. Never mention ABC consulting. These research companies don't give their reports to consulting firms like us, since we use the data and then charge heavily to our clients." he said.
"Whats the name of my pig farm?"
"Use your imagination Nrupesh"
"Gluttonous Pig Farm Private Limited"
"What? gluttonous? I said use your imagination, not mind. Tell them you are from PK Pig farms"
"Okay, and where is it?"
"Hmmmm.......... Shamashabad, near the new airport"
"How many pigs does my farm have?"
"Hmmmm.......... How many noses do you have?"
"One sir"
"If you want to retain it, start now and get me the report, the address and phone numbers are in the mail which I will send you"

Somebody said, if you can't avoid it, enjoy it. With thought I was parking my two-wheeler at the research company premises when a familiar voice said "Hi Nrupesh".
As my intelligent readers might have guessed it was Harsha who strode up to me after the loud greeting which made wish I was invisible. Without waiting for a return greeting, he said "Hi dude, long time no see? Glad to see you here Nrupesh. What are you doing here?"
"Hi Harsha, we met two weeks back, isn't it? Anyway am here to collect a report." I said and added "What are you doing here?"
"Me? I work in that building" he said gesturing the opposite complex. "I came out for....... hmmmm........" I guess he forgot for what he had come out.
I filled in the silence by "Would you like to come with me?" as a matter of courtesy, expecting Harsha to decline it, and then realised my fatal mistake. It was bit late to take than back, because Harsha said "Okay" in a flash.

At the doorstep of the Company, I realised I had made a potential blunder. I grabbed Harsha by the cuff before he could step in, took him near the end of the corridor and said
"Harsha, hmmm....... how do I explain this to you....... I own a pig farm in Shamshabad"
"Pig farm? oh.. a Pig farm... but...." I did not let him complete the sentence and hurried on with my explanation.
"I am pretending to be an owner of a pig farm to buy a report titled 'Industry Insight - Pig farming in India'. These guys are not selling to consultancy firms like my firm."
"Oh!"
"And..... you are my associate, my partner in the my pig farm. By the way the name of the farm is PK Pig farms"
"Wow! I am your partner now! How many pigs are there in our farm?" said Harsha excitedly.
"How many noses do you have?" I said with obvious frustration creeping up.
"What?"
"Never mind, inside let me do all the talking. You speak only when spoken to."
"If you say so Nrupesh, but I have lot of knowledge on pigs, I could help you."
"Please Harsha, I beg you, please do not"
"Ok" Harsha said dejectedly.

With a feeling of impending doom, I entered the reception area with Harsha in tow. It was an opulent looking front office, with finely designed furniture and exquisite interiors. I inquired of Nagesh with the fat receptionist (who uncannily resembled a ......a......) and was asked to wait for sometime. I thought the spare time can be put to better use by filling up gaps of why I was was here to Harsha, but before I could comfortably sit on the plush sofa a portly man strode in from one of the cabins. He had a bulbous nose, with a thin mustache and balding head. He was dressed quite decently with a crease less shirt and a matching tie. He said in a voice which matched his belly
"You must be Nrupesh from the PK pig farms. I am Nagesh. You look quite young...... from the phone call I expected ........ well to be honest I did not expect this. Its always better to catch them young"
"Did he mean pigs or us" Harsha whispered.
"Just keep quiet" I whispered back before turning to the newcomer. "Hello Mr. Nagesh, as I mentioned on the call, I would like to buy your company's report on 'Industry Insight - Pig farming in India'"
"Sure sure...you have come at the right time Mr. Nrupesh, the report will take some time to be updated with the latest figures. You know how difficult it is extract the numbers in our business. This will give us time to know you and your firm better and how we can be of better service to you later. Please come inside."
We sat down in a comfortable meeting room. I introduced Harsha to Nagesh and told him that he was my associate. He wanted us to have the special tea which the company's vending machine brew. How can a vending machine produce a 'special tea' was beyond me. However, we wisely settled for a glass of water.

As soon as we were comfortable Nagesh began by
"At our company, we just do not sell reports, we build long term relationships with our customers. We wish to help you extract value from our services, help you realise your market potential, to be partners in your growth and drive with your until you become the leaders in the market space." And then added "Please tell me about your firm, I am hearing it for the first time"
Bracing myself, I began what my manager directed me to do. To lie.
"Me and my associate here started our company 6 months ago. I hold the majority shares in the company. After a lot of discussion on our growth strategy we have decided to expand out business and in that respect we need the report of yours for our strategic decision making"
"hmm..... Do u like pigs Mr. Nrupesh, Mr. Harsha"
"Yes." We said in unison, though my 'yes' paled in comparison to the other. Harsha's eyes light up and the conviction with which he gave is assent was remarkable.
"Yes .. Yes... I see the spark in you young kids. I have dedicated my life to pigs" What?? I thought, trying to keep my face straight. "Such noble animals, but history has mistreated them. Never projected for what they are worth. Let pigs be pigs in pig habitats. It makes me happy that there are some, who still believe in the noble art of pig farming. Don't you think.....'if wishes were pigs, beggars would eat' is a better proverb. You know what Sir Winston Churchill said about pigs? He said 'I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.' You may not know this, but pigs were objects of worship in some primitive religions. Pigs beat dogs in using computers. If that is not enough there are movies in which pigs play the lead role!" He took a break to digest the expression on our faces. I am sure my expression was not encouraging, but he seemed to think other wise and continued.
"Research ranks the pig as number two among intelligent beings on the planet. Others suggest humans; primates (apes and monkeys); dolphins and other whales; and next pigs. What matters is that researchers insist that the pig is a bright animal and very sensitive"
"Who is number one then?" Harsha asked. His question went unanswered because Nagesh hadn't finished .... yet.
"Its a sweet and sensitive animal, has organs that may be transplanted to humans, the size and build-up of its intestive organs come close to those of humans, the skin may look a bit like human skin at a distance, and so on.........." He seemed to realise at last, that it was going a bit too far and decided to end it....temporarily. "Well I can go on about pigs till the pigs come home."
It was like sitting on a roller coaster ride, with a pig for a companion. I had to grab that report and get out of here as fast my legs would take me.
"Could you see if the report is ready Mr. Nagesh?"
"Another 20 minutes and its ready Mr Nrupesh and sorry I have been doing all the talking, when it comes to pigs ..... you have seen what happens to me. Any way how many pigs do u have in the farm of yours? It still surprises me that I have never heard your company's name before."
I gulped and begin to throw some arbitrary number when Harsha jumped in
"Fifty five as of today." I turned and gave him my warning glance, which slid off him without the slightest of affect. Meanwhile Nagesh continued his questioning.
"Hmm....what are your expansion plans?"
"We have plans to acquire the adjoining land and build a centrally air conditioned, properly ventiliated pig farm which can house upto 150 pigs, ensuring minimum fatalities and increased productivity. You might know that pigs susceptible to heat stress, and all pigs lack sweat glands and cannot cool themselves." To this Nagesh nodded vigorously and my mouth dropped open a couple of centimeters in amazement. Harsha did not stop there. "We also plan to install the state of art drip water systems, which have to be imported."
Nagesh was ..... elated, like a father on hearing his son scored the highest in a subject in which he had failed. "How about the food arrangement for the extra population?"
I wisely refrained from answering. Harsha was on a roll and Nagesh ..... completely awestruck by him.
"Pigs are naturally omnivorous and we feed them a combination of grains and protein sources - soybeans, or meat......." Harsha continued and Nagesh continued on methods on farming employed by our farm, breeding etc.,
It was like Halley (yes... the guy from Halley's comet) and Newton discussing the circumference of Earth. Two scholars discussing about Pig farming methods and related criticism.

Somebody knocked on the door and the intellectual conversation stopped abruptly. The irritation on being interrupted was evident on their faces. The guy who knocked entered and carried a bound book of around 1000 pages. I heaved a sigh of relief. At last....... the report.
"Sir, the report is ready" he said addressing Nagesh. He did not notice Harsha or me. It was as if the room was empty excepting Nagesh. He handed over the report and left without a word. I imagined I would become like him, if I was going to be in the meeting room for one more minute.
"Thanks Mr. Nagesh" I said loudly, gave him the cheque and grabbed the report. I lost my balance and would have fallen on Mr. Nagesh if I had not regained it. The report was quite heavy!
"What's the hurry Mr. Nrupesh, I am still getting to know about your company and I thought I knew all about pig farming and Mr. Harsha is a marvel here."
"Actually Mr. Nagesh, we have a luncheon meeting with some investors and we don't want to be late for it." I said and hardened my voice and said "Dont't we Harsha?" with a piercing look at Harsha.
After a moment of indecision, he said "Yes yes, we have got to go, I almost forgot. Thank you Mr. Nagesh. We will meet some other day and discuss intensive piggeries that represent corporatization" What ever that meant.

On my way out, I glanced at the receptionist and then I realised she uncannily resembled a PIG! Out of building, I thanked Harsha for his help. With out him I would have been a lost pig....I mean a lost lamb.
"How do you know so much about pigs Harsha?"
"It was on Discovery yesterday night. Two hour special and I did not miss a minute" Thank god!
"Okay then, see you. I have got to rush to office"
"Don't we have a meeting with investors in an hour?"
I waited grinding my teeth till comprehension dawned on him and bid him farewell and set off back to my office.

Back at my office, I handed the report to my manager, when his phone started ringing.
"Its from Nagesh, lets see what he has got to say." he said and switched on his speaker phone
"Hello Mr Gautam, the Industry Insight - Pig farming in India requested by you is ready. Do you want me to mail it to you?"