I always try to use my literary skill (however lamentable it maybe) to come up with new posts and I don't copy stuff. But i had to put this in my blog. This article appeared in "Deccan Chronicle" a daily in Hyderabad around 10 years ago and I found it extremely hilarious and if this article doesn't reach a wider audience it would be a pity..... Read on

This Angrezi is Crazy

There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So, one moose, two meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

And why do they call it a “building” if it was ALREADY built!

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Author: some one really great!

Weighty compliments and insults

What is the best compliment a person can receive? Apparently “you have lost weight” seems to be the finest flattering remark in this era of weight obsession. On the same analogy “you have put on weight” is the worst smear ever.

How would a person know whether the other has lost or gained weight by just looking at them (and usually after a considerable time gap) is beyond me. I can think of some methods with which one could achieve this, but each of them seems as improbable as the other. Let me elucidate:

Date X – When Person A meets Person B:

1. A lifts B bodily and ascertains the weight and commits it to memory
2. A always carries a weighing machine and on Date X measures the weight and jots it down in his weight book against the persons name and date
3. A has the ability to discern the weight just by looking B, an ability that most of us seem to possess.

Date Y – When Person A meets Person B (after a considerable time gap)

A repeats any of the above techniques of weight determination and compares it to come to irrefutable conclusion that B has either lost or gained weight

Pay particular attention to the words “person”, “flatter” and “smear” employed above.

Though I generalise by the use of the word “person”, its applicability relates to a large extent to the fairer sex, however men are increasingly showing a tendency to blush at this compliment.

As per recent statistics 80% of the people who use the expression "you have lost weight" are

1. not as weightier as the other person AND

2. use the expression as conversation starter or to "flatter".

Also 85% of the people who use the slanderous "you have gained weight" are consumed by the "green eyed monster"!